RESPE you betta RESPECT ME (s/o to Khia)

Can I just begin this with stating that Rihanna's dress was jaw dropping gorgeous....in my opinion.

Unfortunately, Rihanna's gorgeous dress, while it served as a “thought sparker” is actually not the subject of this blog.

Rihanna's dress (as could only be expected) encouraged a lot of discourse regarding what is and what is not deemed appropriate and respectable dress for women.

For the record, I am SO sick of other people trying to decide what a person should or should not wear. I am MORE sick of people using a person's choice in clothing as the determining factor as to whether or not they will “respect” a person. Then there’s the fact that people REALLY think that respect is something that can “be earned” and the reality of the situation is THAT'S NOT TRUE.

No one earns respect, respect is GIVEN.

Let me say that again YOU CAN NOT EARN RESPECT because you can not control how any given person responds to what you do or say. The concept of earning respect is contingent upon the other person being able to fulfill their portion of the “bargain” ie agreeing to respect you if you xyz. I'm pretty sure that when you earn something, it is usually because there was already an agreement in place between you and another party.

*pauses to check the internet for definitions*

When I looked up the word earn, the first 3 definitions focused on money and capital. The last definition was the only one that is even remotely appropriate for this conversation. According to Merriam-Webster, the (4^th) listed definition for earn is: gain or incur deservedly in return for one's behavior or achievements.

For example, you EARN your paycheck because you and your employer have an agreement. You agree to do said work and your employer agrees to pay you. The concept of earning respect doesn’t make much sense because it implies that you

1. already have a relationship with a person prior to meeting them
2. have made an agreement about what is and isn't considered “respectable”
3. have agreed to govern yourself accordingly in order to earn said respect.

Though it is possible in theory to “earn” respect, it is not really something that is feasible in day to day behavior given the aforementioned reasons...

A commonly held idea in our society is that we need to “dress a certain way in order to earn respect.”

Lets just say hypothetically that said respect could be earned...

Picture this:

I am wearing daisy dukes and a tank top (which is a realistic outfit choice for me). IF I encounter a person AND they felt I was unworthy of respect due to my appearance, how long would it take to earn that respect, a second a minute, an hour a day? Does it give random person on the street “the right” to “disrespect” me because I have not presented myself in what they deem to be an acceptable manner? And once said respect is earned, is it OK to go back to dressing as I did before? What if I had on a suit and I cursed you out? Would I still be considered worthy of respect because my ass isn't showing?

So many questions that I as an individual are unable to answer...because the answers are subjective depending on who I am interacting with...

This is why I subscribe to the idea that respect is GIVEN because whether or not a person respects you is COMPLELETELY up to that individual. Nothing you do or say can cause that person to give you respect unless they want to point blank period. So no Rihanna doesn’t need to clothe herself to earn your respect, in fact, nothing she does will earn your respect UNLESS you decide to give it to her. And it's up to you to decide who and what is deserving of “your respect”

No lets get to the real nitty gritty, my issue with the concept of RESPECT in general. The dictionary describes respect as both a verb and a noun.

As a noun: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements and as a verb: to admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

It should be noted that society's concept of respect has nothing to do with the aforementioned definition as we expect most people to behave in a “respectable” manner at all times. We use respect to determine what we feel is appropriate behavior for people to engage in.

But yea

Based off of the TRUE definition of respect, there are a whole mess of people I don't respect, because I don’t admire them in any way. This does not make me a bad person. It does not make them bad people either. What has the potential to make me a bad person is if I conclude that because I don't respect this person, I no longer have to acknowledge their humanity.

Respect is a word that I see used most often as a way to justify inhumane behavior. “She wasn't dressed in a respectable way so she asked for it.” “ I don’t respect her so I am not going to allow her to (insert basic human function here).” Another example is “ I had to do (insert violent act here) because I was disrespected and I am not going to put up with that.”

So back to that glorious dress...

Even though I saw nothing wrong with her clothing choice, the responses that came as a result of her clothing choice bothered me because they exist within a space that essentially supports rape culture. (that's a topic for another blog) And it uses the justification of something we all hold dearly (respect) to support these actions so it is easy to get the masses behind those thoughts...because we ALL want to be “respected” right?

Unfortunately, someone decided to tell society that EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT and based off the definitions I've disucussed, not only is it not true, it may be impossible. What have you done that is worthy of admiration because that is the only time you “deserve” to be respected...

To be honest, there's really only one thing we “deserve” and that is to be treated humanely. In no way shape or form does my clothing choice take away from my ability to be human. Yet time and time again we use clothing to determine a person's humaneness...because we use clothing to determine whether or not a person is worthy of our “respect” and we equate respect with humaneness.

Don't believe me, see the quotes below.

His clothes are fresh and clean but he's begging for money...what a scammer I'm not giving him any food, he probably spent all his money on clothes.

She's wearing that mini dress, I can see why her rapist thought the sex was consensual. She should just drop the charges, everyone knows that's the kind of outfit you wear when you're looking to get laid.

He's wearing a hoodie, he's a thug he must be out to get me, I must protect myself.

We live in a society that tells us not to judge people by their appearance (unless it's their clothing then it's OK). And sometimes the conclusions we make about people based on those appearances can be a hazard to the lives of others due to our inability to control our behavior.

While it is your personal choice as to whether or not a person “deserves” your “respect”, a person's humanity should never up for debate. Simply put, a person does not loose their rights as a person because you have chosen not to respect them. The problem is though, that people in our society equate lack of respect with it being OK to treat people in a shitty manner.

There isn't another way to say it, people use the concept of respect to justify rape, murder and pillage all the time...

But yea

I wear short shorts and even shorter dresses and since I cut up on the dance floor while wearing the aforementioned items. I wear dark make-up and I can probably do better pole tricks than your favorite stripper. I curse, I burp and fart without saying excuse me(when I'm at home lol). I could go on and on... You may no longer respect me as a person as a result of it. None of these things means that it is OK for you to treat me as less than a human. And until we stop equating a lack of “respect” with a lack of humanity, this world is gonna be a hard place to live in....

Who defines you.....

Its been a while or something like that...but I haven't *insert various excuses here*. To be honest, it matters not where Ive been, only that I'm here now...

On my way home from a pretty good day at work I was reflecting about a couple of rather...intense therapy sessions I had at work today and it got me thinking...

My people...we have a long way to go...By my people I am specifically referring to my African American, Black, whatever the correct term these days is lol. Now of course you dont have to be Black to "understand" this particular topic but that is the particular population I had in mind as I pondered my  thoughts.

Today I met with a person who was so irate that they were treated in what they perceived to be a disrespectful manner that their subsequent behavior allowed them to essentially miss out on something that THEY needed. Said person made valid points regarding the importance of treating people with respect and feeling as if their opinions, needs and wants are worthy of consideration; however, they missed out on a service that they valued all for "general principal."

It was this particular incidence that prompted some...concern (for want of a better word) for my community.

Time and time again, a common compliant heard in the Black community is regarding the need of "equal treatment" and of recognition and appreciation from communities that have already made it quite clear that they are indifferent to your wants, thoughts and needs. A while back, I remember three was a case in which a minister refused to to marry an interracial couple. Instead of simply choosing another church (because after all, why would you even WANT to be married by someone who doesn't "believe" in your marriage anyway) there was a big to do trying to convince said minister to say his mind.

Is the discriminatory treatment "acceptable" No. Is it fair? absolutely not...but you know what, life is unfair. A lot of things area going to happen that "are not fair." Its "not fair" that I went to school for 6 years and can barely pay good ole Sallie May yet someone can create a stupid pop song and become a millionaire almost overnight...

More importantly, it's not fair that my hair usually "has" to be in tip top shape because I have locs and might look "unkempt" otherwise, It's unfair that as a woman I have to be overly conscious of what I wear because I have male clients, Its unfair that the color "nude" wont ever match my skin....I could gripe endlessly about these things, I could protest and try and get things changed, OR... I could do my hair because I don't want to be PERCEIVED as unkempt, dress as un-sexually(yea i made that up) provocative and be as "neutral" as possible in my tone and appearance to avoid confusion; and develop my own caramel colored nude clothing.

Its up to you to decide if you are going to let the behavior of other people interfere with your day to day living. This particular mindset is troubling in the Black community because it leads to people saying things like "So and So only got away with *insert crime here* because they were*insert racially related excuse here* If a Black person would have committed *insert crime here*, they would have gotten *insert harsh punishment here*" Too busy searching for "equality" and acceptance to fully comprehend the fact that you are comparing criminal acts. This type of chatter was ESPECIALLY prominent during the Trayvon Martin trial and tends to pop up whenever a non black person commits a crime that the community feels deserves a harsher punishment. How about lets not commit crimes because we are ALREADY being persecuted purposefully. Lets not get so wrapped up in equality/acceptance that we start comparing(and seeking out) things that NOBODY really wants  to have.

The worse part is I don't think that people are even aware of this particular thought process. We get so wrapped up in searching for acceptance that we neglect to take care of B needs. Instead of trying to FORCE someone to accept you, why not create a space where YOU can be accepted...because that makes a lot more sense than trying to convince someone to change (which is NOT something that you can control).

I'm not encouraging exclusion or anything like that...but what I AM saying is your energy would be better placed elsewhere...and if your desire to stand against something on "GP" is impacting your ability to have a happy healthy life, then it might be time to consider some other options. At what point will you realize that the only person you are hurting......is you.

Because the fact of the matter is...if someone doesn't like you, they are not gonna accept you no matter matter what you do. When you dislike someone everything they do just becomes annoying lol. But seriously You cant force acceptance and you can demand equality but the fact of the matter is, you just may not get it. When will we learn to live for ourselves, to define our own success instead of looking to people who again have made it clear that they do not care much for you, to tell us whether or not we have done a satisfactory job.....

P is for Pedophillia

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2294292/Paedophilia-illness-NOT-crime-says-cardinal-just-days-papal-conclave.html

Above is a link to an article today that I read. DISCLAIMER: I will never EVER post a link to an article that I have not read...so if I post it it is safe to assume that I read it. With that being said, my discussion on this particular piece is twofold. I'll start with the most obvious concern....

I feel some type of way that a behavior that is typically considered to be taboo is now on its way to acceptability simply because some people affected by it have the MONEY to MAKE the rules otherwise. I think that it is a perfect example of how the legal system in these United States is fueled by 1. Money and 2. Religion.

All the years that pedophilia has been a "problem" and now, that it is drastically beginning to backfire on the Catholic Church, it should be looked at as a "disease" according to the current Pope. I agree with the idea that people who are abused are certainly more likely to abuse others. At the end of the day, there is a difference between committing a wrong and admitting it, and committing a wrong and trying to cover it up...which is what happened with the Catholic church. So the fact that this is being proposed now of all times, to me it seems like a desperate SOS which quite frankly is insulting at best...

But because the Catholic Church as a whole possess an extremely large amount of money, they in fact have access to the types of people who can change laws and what not transforming this "thought" into reality. And regardless of whether this "thought" becomes any sort of law, it has already been put out there. So the opportunity for people to begin using it as an "excuse" or justification is out there. Which of course opens a can of worms...

The fact that a "highly respected" leader of a major religion is making these sorts of statements has the potential to give the wrong types of people justification for inhumane actions. It is not OK to you know engage in that type of behavior....we ALL know that. Regardless of what types of urges a person may feel, they all still know right from wrong. And any person who is genuinely a good person IMO would never be able to engage in these particular behaviors simply because they would find it impossible to take advantage of a human being (a vulnerable one at that) in this way.

For sexual molestation etc., like all types of abuse is one of the worst human traits to have. No one approves of it and yet it goes on continuously behind closed doors. Why is this?

This brings me to my 2nd point. One of the reasons our sexual treatment of children and dolescents has spiraled out of control, IMO is because America's sexuality is ridiculously repressed. As I was typing that sentence, I had an epiphany, I haven’t seen or heard about any cases of abuse outside of these United States...(feel free to point out examples if you have them) But anywho yea about that repressed sexuality. Sex is so very taboo here..but yet it's everywhere. Its like placing a fresh baked tray of cookies in front of someone and then telling them NOT to eat them....that's stupid....and yet that is what occurs every day here.

So because sex is something that we don’t talk about, naturally "inappropriate sex" is something that we REALLY don’t talk about. People who have the "wrong" types of sexual urges usually don’t have an environment to discuss them until they’ve already gotten into trouble...which of course is pointless.

If we were more understanding, acknowledging and accepting of sexuality in general, I think people would be able to better control the sexual urges they have that are deemed harmful and unacceptable by society. Because it is always easier to cope with comething when you have support.  With that being said....

Once upon a time, humans were married at a much younger age. "Adolescent" "teenager" and "pre-teen" are all relatively new terms in relation to the amount of time that humans have been around. What we consider to be "teenagers" were already married and working...and having families. Also of course from a "natural" stand point it makes sense that people would be attracted to a younger human...for reproductive reasons....[NOTE I am ABSOLUTELY not referring to abuse of CHILDREN at this point, I’m talking about people who have already experienced puberty. ]

I have absolutely no research to back this up, but my hypothesis is that something genetics wise has certain people attracted to "younger humans". The fact remains though that the behavior is illegal, often morally frowned upon and socially unacceptable. But consider this, if we are already taught to keep secret about sex, we are not going to discuss our urges with anyone appropriate or not. So we miss out on the opportunity to have conversation about why even though you have those particular urges it is NOT OK to act on them.

The priests of the Catholic Church are not allowed to have sex at all...Just let that marinate for a little bit.

Instead of giving people a safe environment to discuss and cope with these urges, we shame them for even having the thought as if that will somehow force it out of existence. If we take steps BEFORE and incident occurs, we just may be able to prevent some incidents from occurring. Of course, we also have to acknowledge the other part of this equation.

People who engage in this type of behavior are obviously manipulative at their cores....Because you have to be manipulative to take advantage of a child. But that doesn’t mean that the current structure of our society has not contributed to the series of events that we have unfolding today. Is becoming more open to sexuality the solution to all that ails us? absolutely not...but is it a step in the right direction? Yea I think so....