Who defines you.....

Its been a while or something like that...but I haven't *insert various excuses here*. To be honest, it matters not where Ive been, only that I'm here now...

On my way home from a pretty good day at work I was reflecting about a couple of rather...intense therapy sessions I had at work today and it got me thinking...

My people...we have a long way to go...By my people I am specifically referring to my African American, Black, whatever the correct term these days is lol. Now of course you dont have to be Black to "understand" this particular topic but that is the particular population I had in mind as I pondered my  thoughts.

Today I met with a person who was so irate that they were treated in what they perceived to be a disrespectful manner that their subsequent behavior allowed them to essentially miss out on something that THEY needed. Said person made valid points regarding the importance of treating people with respect and feeling as if their opinions, needs and wants are worthy of consideration; however, they missed out on a service that they valued all for "general principal."

It was this particular incidence that prompted some...concern (for want of a better word) for my community.

Time and time again, a common compliant heard in the Black community is regarding the need of "equal treatment" and of recognition and appreciation from communities that have already made it quite clear that they are indifferent to your wants, thoughts and needs. A while back, I remember three was a case in which a minister refused to to marry an interracial couple. Instead of simply choosing another church (because after all, why would you even WANT to be married by someone who doesn't "believe" in your marriage anyway) there was a big to do trying to convince said minister to say his mind.

Is the discriminatory treatment "acceptable" No. Is it fair? absolutely not...but you know what, life is unfair. A lot of things area going to happen that "are not fair." Its "not fair" that I went to school for 6 years and can barely pay good ole Sallie May yet someone can create a stupid pop song and become a millionaire almost overnight...

More importantly, it's not fair that my hair usually "has" to be in tip top shape because I have locs and might look "unkempt" otherwise, It's unfair that as a woman I have to be overly conscious of what I wear because I have male clients, Its unfair that the color "nude" wont ever match my skin....I could gripe endlessly about these things, I could protest and try and get things changed, OR... I could do my hair because I don't want to be PERCEIVED as unkempt, dress as un-sexually(yea i made that up) provocative and be as "neutral" as possible in my tone and appearance to avoid confusion; and develop my own caramel colored nude clothing.

Its up to you to decide if you are going to let the behavior of other people interfere with your day to day living. This particular mindset is troubling in the Black community because it leads to people saying things like "So and So only got away with *insert crime here* because they were*insert racially related excuse here* If a Black person would have committed *insert crime here*, they would have gotten *insert harsh punishment here*" Too busy searching for "equality" and acceptance to fully comprehend the fact that you are comparing criminal acts. This type of chatter was ESPECIALLY prominent during the Trayvon Martin trial and tends to pop up whenever a non black person commits a crime that the community feels deserves a harsher punishment. How about lets not commit crimes because we are ALREADY being persecuted purposefully. Lets not get so wrapped up in equality/acceptance that we start comparing(and seeking out) things that NOBODY really wants  to have.

The worse part is I don't think that people are even aware of this particular thought process. We get so wrapped up in searching for acceptance that we neglect to take care of B needs. Instead of trying to FORCE someone to accept you, why not create a space where YOU can be accepted...because that makes a lot more sense than trying to convince someone to change (which is NOT something that you can control).

I'm not encouraging exclusion or anything like that...but what I AM saying is your energy would be better placed elsewhere...and if your desire to stand against something on "GP" is impacting your ability to have a happy healthy life, then it might be time to consider some other options. At what point will you realize that the only person you are hurting......is you.

Because the fact of the matter is...if someone doesn't like you, they are not gonna accept you no matter matter what you do. When you dislike someone everything they do just becomes annoying lol. But seriously You cant force acceptance and you can demand equality but the fact of the matter is, you just may not get it. When will we learn to live for ourselves, to define our own success instead of looking to people who again have made it clear that they do not care much for you, to tell us whether or not we have done a satisfactory job.....

Virtual balls of STEEL

So,  I had started this blog a couple of weeks ago and never got around to finishing it. And then today happened...so I decided to start over...so same subject new content...[even though you never saw the original content LOL]

Anywho About today...basically, long story short, My husband made a comment on a Facebook status today. The subject was about marching band. A person who disagreed with something he had to say proceeded to talk mad shit about my husband in all aspects of his life...because he disagreed with his statement about band.

Now mind you, my hunny has rather thick skin so while it didn't bother him per say, it still reminded me of the blog that I started a couple weeks ago. It brings up the subject of this blog....virtual balls of steel aka keyboard confidence.

As I engage on my various social network sites, I have noticed two trends: 1. People are insanely rude on the internet, 2. The things that they tend to say we all know for the most part they would not say in person. I'll start with start with my first point....

People are insanely rude on the internet...

We all know it. And to me, it is unfortunate. It's as if people forget that people are REAL people. The things that they say, the comments that are made are cruel at best. I was talking to one of my best friends earlier today and we were discussing how hate and evil isn't the "norm" or the "default".

What I mean is that humans are wired to love not hate. Hate for the most part is something that is learned or observed. I have several justifications for this hypothesis. I'll only talk about one of them here...otherwise we would be here all day.

One of my jobs requires me to monitor infant development... That sounds really fancy doesn't it?!?!?
Really, I just get paid to play with babies LOL. I know I'm lucky! I hope I can find something similar when I move to Nashville.

Anywho back to the subject. One of the developmental tasks for my babies (mind you most of my clients are under the age of 2) is whether or not they hug or feed a stuffed animal. As they get older, they are expected to try and console an person who appears to be sad or hurt amongst many other things.

Now, emotions are not something that you can teach. You can assign a word to describe an emotion but the fact of the matter is,  you can not "teach" someone how to feel if that makes sense. That is something that occurs within our brain that we actually have no control over (though we CAN control how we respond to a particular emotion)

So the fact that something like showing affection is considered a developmental milestone allows me to believe that we are naturally wired to be kind towards each other. This means that there is something that has happened to our innate nature that has gone horribly wrong. I do not know what this something is.  But I do have a hunch on what is contributing to it

Group Think...

According to the World English Dictionary, group think is defined as a tendency within organizations or society to promote or establish the view of the predominant group. Now if you take the word organization with a grain of salt given social networks aren't organizations per say, this definition is applicable in describing how we interact on the internet today.

There is always going to be one person who has something negative to say.

However, it seems that people are quick to jump on board and utterly destroy people on the internet. I've seen people talk about everything from how a person looks (something they have ZERO control over like facial features) to the food that they choose to prepare to eat. It's as if feelings and remorse are ignored on the internet

It is a lot easier for people to be mean when they see others are already doing it. Point blank period. Just the same way it's easier to say nice things if everyone else is saying them. There are a myriad of reasons why people behave in this way but alas that is not the subject right now.

The point is the phenomena of group think will have a person go against what they know in their heart and mind is right simply necause everyone is doing something differently. Classic studies have already been done that show people will choose the wrong answer just to go along with what the group believes is correct...just to fit in

Now on to the 2nd Point

 The things that they tend to say we all know for the most part they would not say in person.

Does this apply to everyone? No but does this apply to many people? abso fuckin lutely. We've all seen it... Those friends you are following who you know IRL (in real life) and their social media life is nothing like their real one. The ones who brag about things you know they've never done.

Ive noticed that people seem to be more....aggressive for want of a better word on the internet than they are IRL. People threaten to beat, maim, injure and kill people on a daily basis via comments etc. However, if all the threats of violence were true reflections of people's behaviors...we would have a lot more death and destruction IMO

Also, If people were REALLY comfortable saying in person the mean things that they do online, lets just say the world would be a lonelier place because a lot of people would be friendless.  How do I know people aren't saying these things in real life? Because Ive seen people on numerous occasions wish harm on an innocent baby....How many times have you actually heard someone say something like that to a person's face?

And ya know, we as a population need to get these "internet personas" in check quick fast and in a hurry. The  effects of our terrible etiquette is 2 fold. I will begin with the least obvious. When you meet an "internet persona" you only know what the person chooses to share with you. In a nutshell, you could be talkin shit to someone who doesn't take that type of stuff lightly...Or an emotionally unstable serial killer

Maybe because of your snarky comments they wanted physical retribution. What if they clicked on your social network profile and was able to find out everything about you and where you frequent because you use the location app. Maybe this person has an anger management problem.


You have no idea what could lie behind the computer keys. So for your own personal safety...You should be wary of who you choose to harass. It really could be anybody...

The 2nd effect of these virtual balls of steel is that THESE ARE PEOPLE YOU ARE TALKING TOO!!! THEY HAVE FEELINGS....THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY HURTING. Its not just the internet, this is someone's life.

Cyber bullying is out of control. Somehow the accessibility of the internet has made people think that it is OK to talk to people any old kind of way with ZERO consideration as to how what they say can affect others all in the name of expressing THEIR opinion....We talk about celebrities, we talk about strangers, we talk about our "friends" we talk about everyone


We've all got a responsibility to improve the way that we interact on the internet...Now am I perfect? No. I laugh at some of the pictures that come across my timeline, sometimes I truly cant help it. But will I "like" or share said picture? NEVER!!!!! Because by doing that, I am doing nothing but continuing the cycle. As I stated earlier, you cant control what you feel, You can control how you choose to respond.

I'll close with this. You can choose which side you want to be on. You can be that one person who leaves a positive remark on photo riddled with negative comments...Or if that is too much for you, you could always simply remain neutral and not like or share the photo, comment etc.