Who defines you.....

Its been a while or something like that...but I haven't *insert various excuses here*. To be honest, it matters not where Ive been, only that I'm here now...

On my way home from a pretty good day at work I was reflecting about a couple of rather...intense therapy sessions I had at work today and it got me thinking...

My people...we have a long way to go...By my people I am specifically referring to my African American, Black, whatever the correct term these days is lol. Now of course you dont have to be Black to "understand" this particular topic but that is the particular population I had in mind as I pondered my  thoughts.

Today I met with a person who was so irate that they were treated in what they perceived to be a disrespectful manner that their subsequent behavior allowed them to essentially miss out on something that THEY needed. Said person made valid points regarding the importance of treating people with respect and feeling as if their opinions, needs and wants are worthy of consideration; however, they missed out on a service that they valued all for "general principal."

It was this particular incidence that prompted some...concern (for want of a better word) for my community.

Time and time again, a common compliant heard in the Black community is regarding the need of "equal treatment" and of recognition and appreciation from communities that have already made it quite clear that they are indifferent to your wants, thoughts and needs. A while back, I remember three was a case in which a minister refused to to marry an interracial couple. Instead of simply choosing another church (because after all, why would you even WANT to be married by someone who doesn't "believe" in your marriage anyway) there was a big to do trying to convince said minister to say his mind.

Is the discriminatory treatment "acceptable" No. Is it fair? absolutely not...but you know what, life is unfair. A lot of things area going to happen that "are not fair." Its "not fair" that I went to school for 6 years and can barely pay good ole Sallie May yet someone can create a stupid pop song and become a millionaire almost overnight...

More importantly, it's not fair that my hair usually "has" to be in tip top shape because I have locs and might look "unkempt" otherwise, It's unfair that as a woman I have to be overly conscious of what I wear because I have male clients, Its unfair that the color "nude" wont ever match my skin....I could gripe endlessly about these things, I could protest and try and get things changed, OR... I could do my hair because I don't want to be PERCEIVED as unkempt, dress as un-sexually(yea i made that up) provocative and be as "neutral" as possible in my tone and appearance to avoid confusion; and develop my own caramel colored nude clothing.

Its up to you to decide if you are going to let the behavior of other people interfere with your day to day living. This particular mindset is troubling in the Black community because it leads to people saying things like "So and So only got away with *insert crime here* because they were*insert racially related excuse here* If a Black person would have committed *insert crime here*, they would have gotten *insert harsh punishment here*" Too busy searching for "equality" and acceptance to fully comprehend the fact that you are comparing criminal acts. This type of chatter was ESPECIALLY prominent during the Trayvon Martin trial and tends to pop up whenever a non black person commits a crime that the community feels deserves a harsher punishment. How about lets not commit crimes because we are ALREADY being persecuted purposefully. Lets not get so wrapped up in equality/acceptance that we start comparing(and seeking out) things that NOBODY really wants  to have.

The worse part is I don't think that people are even aware of this particular thought process. We get so wrapped up in searching for acceptance that we neglect to take care of B needs. Instead of trying to FORCE someone to accept you, why not create a space where YOU can be accepted...because that makes a lot more sense than trying to convince someone to change (which is NOT something that you can control).

I'm not encouraging exclusion or anything like that...but what I AM saying is your energy would be better placed elsewhere...and if your desire to stand against something on "GP" is impacting your ability to have a happy healthy life, then it might be time to consider some other options. At what point will you realize that the only person you are hurting......is you.

Because the fact of the matter is...if someone doesn't like you, they are not gonna accept you no matter matter what you do. When you dislike someone everything they do just becomes annoying lol. But seriously You cant force acceptance and you can demand equality but the fact of the matter is, you just may not get it. When will we learn to live for ourselves, to define our own success instead of looking to people who again have made it clear that they do not care much for you, to tell us whether or not we have done a satisfactory job.....

It's just not OK to beat people....but you knew that right?

DISCLAIMER: I don’t watch anything on World Star Hip Hop[WSHH] ever...because many of the video descriptions i see from there I don’t agree with, nor can I support. Most often what I see come up are violent portrayals of one incident or another...either someone getting beat up or children being beat... you know things of that nature.

As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I just tend to stay away from things like that. I don’t share the links for " awareness" and I tend to try not to speak on them in my personal life....because I spend my whole work life doing so if you catch my drift. And i encourage you all to do the same. Sharing and watching the link does no good to help the victims in those situations unless you tell someone who can help...

Recently, there has been a video circulating that depicts a father beating his children with an extension cord for uploading a twerking video onto facebook. As always, i ignored the links on my timeline and refused to share. However, i feel compelled to speak out on this subject because one thing I’ve seen entirely too much of is people SUPPORTING the PERSON who BEAT another PERSON.

Now I have no children, but I do work with children and I’m the eldest of seven children...my youngest sibling just turned 5...I am 26...

Last time I checked, beating people is not OK. Pretty much anywhere you go, Beating a person can land you in jail or in some sort of trouble. If my co worker does something incorrectly, it is not considered acceptable for me to beat said coworker.  So in a society where we are expected not to beat people, why do some feel its OK to beat children when they do something incorrect?

Oh I know why!

Its because children as a whole are NOT respected in our society. Its because we somehow think that by birthing children we OWN them. Its because we believe that as adults, children are inherently supposed to listen to everything that we have to say, that they must respect us regardless of whether WE show THEM respect or not.

To be honest, corporal punishment is the lazy way out. If often instills a sense of fear, rather than respect and teaches children to obey the rules to avoid punishment as opposed to obeying the rules to help society run smoothly. Yes I’m aware that I have no children...

I’ve seen many a parent get frustrated with a child and label it bad simply because they don’t want to do what YOU want them to do. I’m not talking about harmful stuff of course, I’m referring to simple things like eating when THEY feel they are hungry or going to sleep when they are tired. Then to physically beat a child simply because they are their own person to me ridiculous.

Not to mention the fact that beating in and of itself is just not an appropriate way to solve most problems. Are there some instances where physical force is necessary? Yes especially in cases of self defense, but to use it as a form of punishment is just plain lazy.

I can think of several different ways that that situation could have been handled differently. But in order to enact those alternatives, it will take TIME, which people "don’t have enough of". I know for a fact that ignoring a child's temper tantrum will eventually cause them to stop...but parents give in because THEY don’t want to hear the child screaming, or they are embarrassed or whatever excuse is underlying their actions of giving in to the child's requests

If we respected children and people as the HUMANS they are, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion, because violence would hardly be an issue. Because people who value and respect another person will not bring harm to them...logically it makes no sense.

But respect is a word that is often thrown around yet seldom explicitly explained and even less rarely freely given...yet somehow it is one of the greatest expectations that we have of others.

Bottom line, its not OK to beat people, let alone our most vulnerable members of society. And encouraging that type of behavior simply because a "Father" was "punishing" his child reflects a serious problem in today's society.