RESPE you betta RESPECT ME (s/o to Khia)

Can I just begin this with stating that Rihanna's dress was jaw dropping gorgeous....in my opinion.

Unfortunately, Rihanna's gorgeous dress, while it served as a “thought sparker” is actually not the subject of this blog.

Rihanna's dress (as could only be expected) encouraged a lot of discourse regarding what is and what is not deemed appropriate and respectable dress for women.

For the record, I am SO sick of other people trying to decide what a person should or should not wear. I am MORE sick of people using a person's choice in clothing as the determining factor as to whether or not they will “respect” a person. Then there’s the fact that people REALLY think that respect is something that can “be earned” and the reality of the situation is THAT'S NOT TRUE.

No one earns respect, respect is GIVEN.

Let me say that again YOU CAN NOT EARN RESPECT because you can not control how any given person responds to what you do or say. The concept of earning respect is contingent upon the other person being able to fulfill their portion of the “bargain” ie agreeing to respect you if you xyz. I'm pretty sure that when you earn something, it is usually because there was already an agreement in place between you and another party.

*pauses to check the internet for definitions*

When I looked up the word earn, the first 3 definitions focused on money and capital. The last definition was the only one that is even remotely appropriate for this conversation. According to Merriam-Webster, the (4^th) listed definition for earn is: gain or incur deservedly in return for one's behavior or achievements.

For example, you EARN your paycheck because you and your employer have an agreement. You agree to do said work and your employer agrees to pay you. The concept of earning respect doesn’t make much sense because it implies that you

1. already have a relationship with a person prior to meeting them
2. have made an agreement about what is and isn't considered “respectable”
3. have agreed to govern yourself accordingly in order to earn said respect.

Though it is possible in theory to “earn” respect, it is not really something that is feasible in day to day behavior given the aforementioned reasons...

A commonly held idea in our society is that we need to “dress a certain way in order to earn respect.”

Lets just say hypothetically that said respect could be earned...

Picture this:

I am wearing daisy dukes and a tank top (which is a realistic outfit choice for me). IF I encounter a person AND they felt I was unworthy of respect due to my appearance, how long would it take to earn that respect, a second a minute, an hour a day? Does it give random person on the street “the right” to “disrespect” me because I have not presented myself in what they deem to be an acceptable manner? And once said respect is earned, is it OK to go back to dressing as I did before? What if I had on a suit and I cursed you out? Would I still be considered worthy of respect because my ass isn't showing?

So many questions that I as an individual are unable to answer...because the answers are subjective depending on who I am interacting with...

This is why I subscribe to the idea that respect is GIVEN because whether or not a person respects you is COMPLELETELY up to that individual. Nothing you do or say can cause that person to give you respect unless they want to point blank period. So no Rihanna doesn’t need to clothe herself to earn your respect, in fact, nothing she does will earn your respect UNLESS you decide to give it to her. And it's up to you to decide who and what is deserving of “your respect”

No lets get to the real nitty gritty, my issue with the concept of RESPECT in general. The dictionary describes respect as both a verb and a noun.

As a noun: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements and as a verb: to admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

It should be noted that society's concept of respect has nothing to do with the aforementioned definition as we expect most people to behave in a “respectable” manner at all times. We use respect to determine what we feel is appropriate behavior for people to engage in.

But yea

Based off of the TRUE definition of respect, there are a whole mess of people I don't respect, because I don’t admire them in any way. This does not make me a bad person. It does not make them bad people either. What has the potential to make me a bad person is if I conclude that because I don't respect this person, I no longer have to acknowledge their humanity.

Respect is a word that I see used most often as a way to justify inhumane behavior. “She wasn't dressed in a respectable way so she asked for it.” “ I don’t respect her so I am not going to allow her to (insert basic human function here).” Another example is “ I had to do (insert violent act here) because I was disrespected and I am not going to put up with that.”

So back to that glorious dress...

Even though I saw nothing wrong with her clothing choice, the responses that came as a result of her clothing choice bothered me because they exist within a space that essentially supports rape culture. (that's a topic for another blog) And it uses the justification of something we all hold dearly (respect) to support these actions so it is easy to get the masses behind those thoughts...because we ALL want to be “respected” right?

Unfortunately, someone decided to tell society that EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT and based off the definitions I've disucussed, not only is it not true, it may be impossible. What have you done that is worthy of admiration because that is the only time you “deserve” to be respected...

To be honest, there's really only one thing we “deserve” and that is to be treated humanely. In no way shape or form does my clothing choice take away from my ability to be human. Yet time and time again we use clothing to determine a person's humaneness...because we use clothing to determine whether or not a person is worthy of our “respect” and we equate respect with humaneness.

Don't believe me, see the quotes below.

His clothes are fresh and clean but he's begging for money...what a scammer I'm not giving him any food, he probably spent all his money on clothes.

She's wearing that mini dress, I can see why her rapist thought the sex was consensual. She should just drop the charges, everyone knows that's the kind of outfit you wear when you're looking to get laid.

He's wearing a hoodie, he's a thug he must be out to get me, I must protect myself.

We live in a society that tells us not to judge people by their appearance (unless it's their clothing then it's OK). And sometimes the conclusions we make about people based on those appearances can be a hazard to the lives of others due to our inability to control our behavior.

While it is your personal choice as to whether or not a person “deserves” your “respect”, a person's humanity should never up for debate. Simply put, a person does not loose their rights as a person because you have chosen not to respect them. The problem is though, that people in our society equate lack of respect with it being OK to treat people in a shitty manner.

There isn't another way to say it, people use the concept of respect to justify rape, murder and pillage all the time...

But yea

I wear short shorts and even shorter dresses and since I cut up on the dance floor while wearing the aforementioned items. I wear dark make-up and I can probably do better pole tricks than your favorite stripper. I curse, I burp and fart without saying excuse me(when I'm at home lol). I could go on and on... You may no longer respect me as a person as a result of it. None of these things means that it is OK for you to treat me as less than a human. And until we stop equating a lack of “respect” with a lack of humanity, this world is gonna be a hard place to live in....