RESPE you betta RESPECT ME (s/o to Khia)

Can I just begin this with stating that Rihanna's dress was jaw dropping gorgeous....in my opinion.

Unfortunately, Rihanna's gorgeous dress, while it served as a “thought sparker” is actually not the subject of this blog.

Rihanna's dress (as could only be expected) encouraged a lot of discourse regarding what is and what is not deemed appropriate and respectable dress for women.

For the record, I am SO sick of other people trying to decide what a person should or should not wear. I am MORE sick of people using a person's choice in clothing as the determining factor as to whether or not they will “respect” a person. Then there’s the fact that people REALLY think that respect is something that can “be earned” and the reality of the situation is THAT'S NOT TRUE.

No one earns respect, respect is GIVEN.

Let me say that again YOU CAN NOT EARN RESPECT because you can not control how any given person responds to what you do or say. The concept of earning respect is contingent upon the other person being able to fulfill their portion of the “bargain” ie agreeing to respect you if you xyz. I'm pretty sure that when you earn something, it is usually because there was already an agreement in place between you and another party.

*pauses to check the internet for definitions*

When I looked up the word earn, the first 3 definitions focused on money and capital. The last definition was the only one that is even remotely appropriate for this conversation. According to Merriam-Webster, the (4^th) listed definition for earn is: gain or incur deservedly in return for one's behavior or achievements.

For example, you EARN your paycheck because you and your employer have an agreement. You agree to do said work and your employer agrees to pay you. The concept of earning respect doesn’t make much sense because it implies that you

1. already have a relationship with a person prior to meeting them
2. have made an agreement about what is and isn't considered “respectable”
3. have agreed to govern yourself accordingly in order to earn said respect.

Though it is possible in theory to “earn” respect, it is not really something that is feasible in day to day behavior given the aforementioned reasons...

A commonly held idea in our society is that we need to “dress a certain way in order to earn respect.”

Lets just say hypothetically that said respect could be earned...

Picture this:

I am wearing daisy dukes and a tank top (which is a realistic outfit choice for me). IF I encounter a person AND they felt I was unworthy of respect due to my appearance, how long would it take to earn that respect, a second a minute, an hour a day? Does it give random person on the street “the right” to “disrespect” me because I have not presented myself in what they deem to be an acceptable manner? And once said respect is earned, is it OK to go back to dressing as I did before? What if I had on a suit and I cursed you out? Would I still be considered worthy of respect because my ass isn't showing?

So many questions that I as an individual are unable to answer...because the answers are subjective depending on who I am interacting with...

This is why I subscribe to the idea that respect is GIVEN because whether or not a person respects you is COMPLELETELY up to that individual. Nothing you do or say can cause that person to give you respect unless they want to point blank period. So no Rihanna doesn’t need to clothe herself to earn your respect, in fact, nothing she does will earn your respect UNLESS you decide to give it to her. And it's up to you to decide who and what is deserving of “your respect”

No lets get to the real nitty gritty, my issue with the concept of RESPECT in general. The dictionary describes respect as both a verb and a noun.

As a noun: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements and as a verb: to admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

It should be noted that society's concept of respect has nothing to do with the aforementioned definition as we expect most people to behave in a “respectable” manner at all times. We use respect to determine what we feel is appropriate behavior for people to engage in.

But yea

Based off of the TRUE definition of respect, there are a whole mess of people I don't respect, because I don’t admire them in any way. This does not make me a bad person. It does not make them bad people either. What has the potential to make me a bad person is if I conclude that because I don't respect this person, I no longer have to acknowledge their humanity.

Respect is a word that I see used most often as a way to justify inhumane behavior. “She wasn't dressed in a respectable way so she asked for it.” “ I don’t respect her so I am not going to allow her to (insert basic human function here).” Another example is “ I had to do (insert violent act here) because I was disrespected and I am not going to put up with that.”

So back to that glorious dress...

Even though I saw nothing wrong with her clothing choice, the responses that came as a result of her clothing choice bothered me because they exist within a space that essentially supports rape culture. (that's a topic for another blog) And it uses the justification of something we all hold dearly (respect) to support these actions so it is easy to get the masses behind those thoughts...because we ALL want to be “respected” right?

Unfortunately, someone decided to tell society that EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT and based off the definitions I've disucussed, not only is it not true, it may be impossible. What have you done that is worthy of admiration because that is the only time you “deserve” to be respected...

To be honest, there's really only one thing we “deserve” and that is to be treated humanely. In no way shape or form does my clothing choice take away from my ability to be human. Yet time and time again we use clothing to determine a person's humaneness...because we use clothing to determine whether or not a person is worthy of our “respect” and we equate respect with humaneness.

Don't believe me, see the quotes below.

His clothes are fresh and clean but he's begging for money...what a scammer I'm not giving him any food, he probably spent all his money on clothes.

She's wearing that mini dress, I can see why her rapist thought the sex was consensual. She should just drop the charges, everyone knows that's the kind of outfit you wear when you're looking to get laid.

He's wearing a hoodie, he's a thug he must be out to get me, I must protect myself.

We live in a society that tells us not to judge people by their appearance (unless it's their clothing then it's OK). And sometimes the conclusions we make about people based on those appearances can be a hazard to the lives of others due to our inability to control our behavior.

While it is your personal choice as to whether or not a person “deserves” your “respect”, a person's humanity should never up for debate. Simply put, a person does not loose their rights as a person because you have chosen not to respect them. The problem is though, that people in our society equate lack of respect with it being OK to treat people in a shitty manner.

There isn't another way to say it, people use the concept of respect to justify rape, murder and pillage all the time...

But yea

I wear short shorts and even shorter dresses and since I cut up on the dance floor while wearing the aforementioned items. I wear dark make-up and I can probably do better pole tricks than your favorite stripper. I curse, I burp and fart without saying excuse me(when I'm at home lol). I could go on and on... You may no longer respect me as a person as a result of it. None of these things means that it is OK for you to treat me as less than a human. And until we stop equating a lack of “respect” with a lack of humanity, this world is gonna be a hard place to live in....

Can you Support Me? I dont know how many likes you got already?

For those that do not know, I've recently started a fund raising campaign [ *insert shameless plug here* http://www.gofundme.com/8g6bf0 ] and as a result, have found myself in the position where on a daily basis I've had to ask people for help [see here to read more about that struggle] Naturally, I have also become more aware of other people asking for help, yet everyday links go by unshared and un-liked.

I know it is unrealistic to expect everyone to support your cause but I find it....interesting that I struggle sometimes to get 10 likes on what I have been told is an important cause yet a statement I made on someone’s status about Felicia from Friday has gotten 20 something likes [and still counting.] The lack of action (liking, sharing etc.) compared to the amount of people who have verbalized they want to help got me to thinking....

What is it that makes simply liking or sharing a status so difficult to do? I have a couple theories one is the bystander effect and one is the appearance that people are trying to keep up, their “social identities” if you will.

I'm going to talk about the bystander effect first because that's a “real” thing. By “real” I mean that it is a concept that is already well accepted in fields like sociology and psychology. The second theory I have about people's desire to uphold a certain image is more so based on my personal experience. But any who on to the bystander effect.

I can't talk about that without talking about altruism: which essentially is the act of helping some one for “self less” reasons meaning you basically help them because you want to, not because your trying to accomplish a certain goal but simply because you want to help. Naturally this is a trait that humans have. And we do selfless things all the time even when we don't have to. The easiest example that comes to mind is when you allow someone to turn in front of you from a parking lot or something even though in theory you had no reason to slow down.

The Bystander effect is what happens when a person needs help amongst a group of people and even though everyone is aware help is NEEDED, no one DOES anything because they assume the next person has it. But if everyone assumes that someone else is taking care of the issue at hand, WHO exactly is supposed to ACTUALLY help (you KNOW what happens when assumptions are made) Our “victim” is left to fend for his or herself. This is a sociological construct that exists without us consciously acting on it as such a change in this behavior takes a conscious effort.

When it comes to “support” [or rather lack thereof ] people in their various different endeavors, I believe the Bystander Effect affects [yes I am a lil bit of a grammar snob lol ] our ability as well as our intentions when it comes to supporting others. Instead of liking or sharing when we see someone is in need, even when we do support the cause, we pass on the opportunity because we assume this person has enough support from the other people in their circle. I know this to be the case because I have seen this behavior manifested in my own behaviors. I've such been making a conscious effort to be more supportive when it is something I truly believe in. But I’ve only been able to make this change because I am aware of the social effect as well as my own behaviors and have chosen to do something about them.

The OTHER reason I think we show a lack of support is because we are too concerned with what other people think of us. We don't want to be “the first liker” or be seen supporting something “lame.” We worry incessantly about what other people think of us. I see this come up especially when it comes to people sharing their music. Many people are “uncomfortable” with the idea of liking something that is not “main stream” and on the radio.

I’ve literally seen people cringe when you suggest listening to an “underground” artists yet they will drop mad money on someone who doesn't even care about them as a person...I digress. The point is, because people are so overly concerned with their appearance, both physically and in person, they bypass opportunities because “it isn't what the cool people are doing.” This behavior does not necessarily have to be conscious as some people are so deeply intertwined into their appearances they no longer have any idea who they are.

Now what does any of this have to do with you? As I stated earlier, I've noticed that a lot of people are out basically trying to make things happen for themselves,(which I think is absolutely fantabulous by the way) they are also looking for support to help them do it. Yet, I don't observe nearly as much supporting as I do asking for support. That makes little logical sense to me....

I just don’t understand how you can post your music, poems, pictures all day, expect people to look at them and marvel at them yet you show no attention to the works of others. Like for instance, I take pole classes (its fun you should try it) and I post pictures of myself on social media....I also follow a lot of people who ALSO take pole classes. I like, and comment on their pictures, show my online friends etc. Who better to get to look at my pictures that people who are already interested in the activity?!?!?!?

Life is better when you have support from others. It is also a lot easier to GET support if you are showing those around you what support actually looks like because I think that is something that we really don’t have a good grasp of as people today.

Personally, I enjoy supporting people that I know, be it financially, emotionally, spiritually and yes even if it is as simple as a like or share on facebook. Even though I am guilty of saying it, it is time to stop fronting and accept that social media is a real part of our actual life. There are people behind these keyboards and your like, kind words, share and even “small” monetary supports do in fact make a difference in the lives of people around the world.

People often complain about the state of today and of the world and how they wish they could help. Well you CAN help. The next time you see someone share a music link, take a few moments to listen to it, or read that poem, look at that picture, donate your fast food money for the day to a worthy cause.

So in addition to spreading awareness about Mental Health, I'm also going to make it my business to SHOW people how to SUPPORT people. Real talk, the only hope we have for society today ( ESPECIALLY here in America) is if we start supporting each other in our endeavors now. Because if we don't, the majority of people will continue to suffer and scramble for resources.
I just want people to realize that we don't HAVE to depend on corporations etc. to get the things we need. There are oodles and oodles of amazing ideas right here within our reach if only we lifted a hand...



And now I'm off to finish painting
-Atiya

Help me Help the community!

Allow me to introduce myself

My name is Atiya and I am 27 years old. All my childhood life I wanted to be a teacher...I really was a "nerd" growing up! I truly enjoyed things like playing school and books were my best friends. My mom said that she used to have to force me outside and when I did go, I took books and a blanket...lol (i think there are pictures to confirm this). I vividly remember doing workbooks at home(and enjoying it) and also playing school with my cousin Nakia (I liked being the student).

When I was 10 years old, I saw a movie called Harriet the Spy (Its an awesome movie you should check it out if you haven’t seen it btw) In one part of the movie, she was forced to see what I believe was a child psychologist. He sat down with her and asked her about her feelings and his room was filled with games and toys. That was the day I changed my mind about what I wanted to be. I decided that I wanted to be a Therapist, I wanted to talk to people about their issues for a living.

I could go on and on about what happened in the 17 years that I transpired between that decision and now but long story short, I earned a couple degrees, got married, moved away all while meeting some fantastic people along the way. So fast forward to today...Or yesterday rather. I quit my job.

After spending an entire hour dreading going to work, I realized that I had laid in the bed feeling like that too many times before going to work....especially since the unexpected suicide of my former supervisor about a month ago. As I sat pondering as to whether or not I really wanted to live the rest of my life like that, I did what many people do when they're looking for advice...I called my mommy.

I told her I think I want to quit my job...and she basically said go for it! So with no back up plan, no next step, I walked into my supervisor's office and told her I quit. That is like a SUPER huge deal for me because as my family friends will tell you....I'm the poster child for responsible decisions.

I still totally want to do therapy but I have a few other talents too. As I was pondering with my husband as to what I wanted to do next, I came up with a fantastic idea...and that brings me to the purpose of this message. I want to provide therapy for people who need it but not at the expense of changing myself as a person. There's no other way to say it...I don't shop at Walmart because I don’t support who they are as a corporation...and somehow I found myself working at the Walmart of mental health. I do not want to live my life in contrast to my beliefs so that I can “make a living.”

But I need your help to do it. I want to provide therapy for people where I can come to them and we can meet on site in a van. That way people who have trouble with transportation can still receive the psychotherapy services that they need. Also, for people who don’t have the time during their day to go and meet with their therapist, a mobile therapy service could meet them where they eat lunch.

The van would provide people with a safe, comfortable space to address their mental health concerns with qualified providers at a time and place that is convenient for them. I know some people have concerns about confidentiality and people being seen but I plan to utilize an unlabeled van and on the inside, you would never know you were in a van. Now I know some of you are thinking “why should I help her?” Here's 3 reasons why:

1. Anyone who knows me knows that I make it my business to support small business especially community business. By supporting me, you will not only be supporting me, you will be helping me to support small business. I plan to give back to the community by donating advertising spaces to the different businesses in my community instead of advertising myself on the van. Also, if a person would happen to be seen getting into the van, it would further protect their confidentiality because it would not indicate that it was a mental health van. I will also use the money I earn providing therapy to continue to support the small businesses in my community. 
2. I'm not your “typical therapist” and what I mean by that is this:  I don't believe in labeling people and doping them up. If it weren't for insurance requirements, I honestly wouldn't diagnose at all. I believe in respect for people their thoughts and differences. The types of therapy services I provide focus on helping people to appreciate the person who they are and cope with the symptoms they have. Though I believe that some people can benefit from medication, I do not/am not trained to prescribe it and I firmly believe that many mental health concerns can be appropriately addressed with psychotherapy alone. My primary focus is helping people to make sure that the behaviors they are displaying are lining up with the outcomes they seek.
3. Once I am more established as a private clinician, it is a personal goal of mine to develop a barter system so that people in need of mental health services will be able to offer goods/services in exchange for treatment. This would be done instead of requiring people to pay money or utilize insurance benefits.This way, no one is prevented from having access to beneficial services that they may need. Eventually, this will help lay the groundwork for communities that are more sustainable. 

I just want to live out my dreams...and they say you never know what help you can get until you ask for it. I never ask for help, but I also never quit my job either soooo there's kinda a first time for everything right? I wrote this blog to give people some quick background information because I'm starting a fund-raising page to make this happen. I have not been blogging lately but I also plan to do a series of personal “get to know me better blogs” for anyone who may be interested in knowing more about me...I do have a lot of free time now...

Please check out my fundraising site at http://www.gofundme.com/8g6bfo